“What do you want in a long term partner Ms. Black?”


Someone recently ask me about my needs in a long term partner. It took me off guard. Not the question itself of course but my long pause that came after. If asked, do you know what you want in a long term partner, I would have heartily laughed replying of course I do. But when asked for specifics I was surprised at the blank nothing in my mind. I know now, after much consideration, the reason is because those things of which I was so very sure were qualities vital to my long term partner have drastically changed. I had to inquire deeply. Requirements that were once centred on how he made me *feel* have now changed to his philosophies, how he behaves, what choices he makes and what he inspires in me. And I in him.

1. Trust: we trust each other. This is not about never making mistakes but rather to know with certainty that we tell each other the truth, even when it’s difficult to do so. I wish to live with confidence that my partner is doing his own contemplations and introspections so that there is in him a capacity to live from a foundation of honesty, with himself and then with me. He can rely on me and know that I too am doing my inner work, hold a safe space for him to communicate with sincerity just as he does for me even in times of struggle.

2. Respect: we may not always agree and in fact that would bore me but we will take pride in and be readily able to support the actions and choices of the other. We can speak about different philosophies and varied understanding such that we might learn from and evolve. We listen and consider and remain teachable even as we can hold strong and steady to what we believe in. I need to be proud of my Man. And he proud of me.

3. Safe: now hang on all you staunch feminists, this isn’t about my being frail and needing a knight in shiny armour or daddy figure (*respect to all the good daddies out there), this is about solid, conscious devotion to each other. Taking care of each other isn’t bad when does with mutually supportive and conscious temperaments. Co dependant is a thing, I get it, but there is also a place where you have someone you can count on. The yang to my yin. I want to be part of a team and build a home and that takes a deep commitment because life can be chaotic so I need my choice in partner to be a safe haven where I can rest in the storms. Support. Comfort. Dedication. Sacred space where I may lay my head down between battles. It would be a bonus if he makes me laugh. Maybe he would feel stronger knowing that I love him truly.

4. Sexy. As a monogamist and one who is entirely turned on by intelligent, revolutionary, awakened beings, it’s not easy to find one who is like minded but I have decided to wait for that One….to inspire and manifest space for that One. I’m an odd duck in this world of swans. And that’s okay. I prefer him to be like me. I know opposites attract but they’re really hard to live with! Healthy physical choices. Mature mental choices. Playful heart. Kinky nature. Open minded adventurer. Musically discerning….please let him listen to the lyrics. Ambitious and passionate are a must though I accept some of that is subjective. Bar fights: over it. Mama’s boy: over it. Porn: over it. Conforming to the status quo: done and done. He need not be a poet but love my poetry. He need not be romantic but he must romance me…sometimes. We will fight because it’s worth it. We will dance because we must. We will play. The best of friends. We will talk all day into the night and still want to talk some more first thing in the morning. We will revel in the juicy silence of good books and a dark roast on a sunny porch. And he will fuck me with gratitude and consciousness like it’s the last time he has the honour of holding me in his arms.

5. Spirit. This is a tricky one because once again..odd duck…pond of swans. I thought maybe I could let this one go but each time I tried I found it kept coming back to it’s importance. He need not be rich. He need not be tall. There is no requirement from me that he play an instrument or play sports or be popular or suave. His mother doesn’t have to like me and my friends have to requirement to understand. Ethnicity matters not. Bald, bearded, pierced or tattooed none of that matters. But we must speak the same Spiritual language. Communication is vital. His relationship with Divinity matters greatly to me.

I do not expect He will be perfect just as I do expect he will accept my imperfections. External beauty fades and we all screw up. Perfection is a fallacy. And yet, there must be a clear understanding of needs and desires. Can we be pointed in the same direction on this crazy journey? Support and inspire each other on the places where that path forks? We will fall down and do our best to listen in difficult times reaching out a hand to help each other up. Where there is honesty and sincere commitment there is capacity to flow through dark times with grace. And if not grace then with forgiveness. And if not forgiveness then compassion. But always, always Love.

So mote it be and blessed be. <3

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